Man from dysfunctional home advises couples against staying for the kids as he shares how it affected him

A man, whose parents have been together for decades despite being in a bad marriage, has advised couples against staying together just for the sake of the kids. 
 

Onyango Otieno, who previously said he wishes his mother would finally leave his abusive father, stated in a recent post that dysfunctional couples who remain married for the kids' sake are doing great damage to the kids. 
 

He explained how he is suffering trauma and still lives in terror, despite being 38, because of the things he witnessed his father put his mother through when he was growing up. 

He wrote: "If you’re languishing in a dysfunctional marriage conflicted whether to leave or stay for the kids, this is to you. 

"Consider adult children like me who twice or thrice a year I get these nightmares of me fighting with my dad. They’re usually so surreal when I startle from sleep it feels like something happening in that moment. My body is shaking uncontrollably. And I need two whole hours to calm down before sleep can return. That is real PTSD. 

"Consider adult children like me who anytime I hear a bang on the neighbour’s wall, my body jumps in reflex. I’m transported back to the single room in Huruma Estate where my parents scuffled each other from corner to corner in my watch and there’s nothing I could do as a 10 year old. 

Consider adult children like me who struggled with self esteem, self worth, insecurities that leave you susceptible to being manipulated and also manipulating others to protect yourself. I use so much brain energy just to do normal things. 

"The depressive episodes that visit once in a while that disorient my life were not worth keeping a marriage together for. 

"Leave. Whether you’re the husband or the wife. Leave. The lasting impact of this dysfunction on your children is something you can never repay them for. There is no hospital that will give them enough healthcare to heal from the horrific memories they carry. 

"Forget what your culture told you about keeping a marriage. Forget what your religion says about divorce. Don’t listen to that nonsense pastor advising you to stay a little longer. Ati pray for your spouse. 

"Don’t sacrifice your children in the name of keeping a family together. The family is only a family when people live in harmony. Anything otherwise makes it a dungeon. 

"And when your children tell you they don’t want to be around their father or mother, listen to them. Don’t force them to love somebody they don’t like just because it’s their parent. Children are not stupid. 

"Yeah, you fear societal scorn, ridicule, shame, mockery, isolation and all that stuff; but nothing is bigger than betraying yourself for a supposed love that has ran its course. 

"Leave. You will suffer financially, emotionally and mentally, but once that dust settles, as evidence suggests, the you that’s waiting on the other side is a miracle you never imagined. I promise you. That is, if you keep following your light. And face the parts inside you that also need work. Healing doesn’t happen automatically. Leaving is just the first step. There is more to do, or else you easily repeat unhealthy patterns with other people. 

"Staying in that dark tunnel hoping for a miracle will kill you. Nobody’s really coming to save you. And your kids deserve better. 

"Don’t be like my parents who after more than 30 years of dysfunction, still believe they can make it work."