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Friday, January 22, 2016

Inside Dambazau’s shoes By Reuben Abati

Another interesting article from Reuben Abati. Read below...
"See what your friends are writing” 
“Who?” “Your fellow columnists. See how they are attacking the Minister of Interior, General Abdulrahman Dambazau, just because an orderly helped to shine his shoes in public.” 
“I really don’t see what the hoopla is all about” 
“Me too” 
“I think many of our people just like to talk about shoes. For five years, Nigerians kept talking about how former President Goodluck Jonathan had no shoes as a child.”

“But he was the one that started it. Last week or so, the former President was again talking about  shoes. In America.”  
“I think people love shoes. That is why they won’t also allow Dambazau to rest over his shoes.”
“Read what your friend has written here. He says the orderly was subjecting himself to indignity by bending down to shine his oga’s shoes at a public ceremony.”
“He doesn’t understand. Many of the commentators are probably thinking of their own type of shoes. When you see some shoes, you’d certainly not want a speck of dust anywhere close by. There are shoes and there are shoes. All these people making noise, have they seen some shoes?”
“Someone once showed me his pair of shoes which he said he bought for 2, 000 pounds. I swear I’d gladly clean such shoes even if it is at a solemn funeral.”
“Do you have any idea the type of shoes the Minister was wearing?” 
“No. But what does it matter? My point really is that people should stop blaming the Minister. Look when you are in public office, things like that happen. It is the duty of your aides to make sure you look good all the time. “
“I agree. A Minister of the Federal Republic must always be impeccably dressed. If you ask me to choose between Minister Dambazau and that one that wears beret and dresses as if he is going for a Man O’ War session, I’ll choose Dambazau any day.” 
“My own point is that nobody should blame the Interior Minister. It is not as if he summoned the orderly and asked him to start shining his shoes in public. These things happen.  We should blame the aide. Aides in government corridors are too sycophantic, sometimes, they don’t fit the occasion to the act.”
“I have seen quite a few of such aides. I once went with someone to visit a state Governor.  The Governor was the only one sitting on a sofa. All his aides including commissioners sat on the floor. I didn’t know what to do, whether to stand or join the aides on the floor. “
“Those aides often respond to their oga’s body language though. And what did you do?”
“Me? I sat down on the sofa oh. I think it is the aides who are guilty. It is a peculiar kind of ailment: it is called eye service.”
“I know. We don’t really have a civil service.”
“We have an eye service. Anything that will make the boss happy, even if the same aides will later turn around and bad mouth the same boss.”
 “You know in some government houses, aides behave like robots. When their boss stands up, they also stand. When the boss sits down, they too sit down.  They eat what eats, and when they see the big man’s wife, they start grinning from ear to ear.”
“I have seen otherwise educated aides carrying bags for their Oga’s wife.”
“And you know they don’t need to be forced to do all that. People just do it. It is a way of showing loyalty”
“But I think your friend’s point in this article is that the big men should discourage such behaviour.”
“Have you not seen where people kneel down to talk to their boss? Even when they are asked to stand up or sit down, you’d see adults saying, let me remain on the ground sir.  I am fine sir, Your Excellency. I am afraid one of these days, you’d see an aide prostrating publicly to make their boss feel good. Don’t blame the boss, blame the aide.”
“I still believe that some big men actually enjoy it. An old friend lost his job as a commissioner because he had developed the habit of arguing with the Governor at Council meetings. He refused to behave like other commissioners, the oga-is-always-right crowd.”
“Any boss that is always right cannot get it right.”
“You know, the guy told me that at a particular Council meeting, one of his colleagues stood up and told the Governor, sir in fact, I have been meaning to tell you, I don’t know how you do it, you are the wisest man I have ever seen, the best strategist in the world, the best thing to have ever happened to our state. Then, he asked other council members to give the Governor three gbosas. Our friend said he was shocked.”
“So, did he expect the Governor to sack the praise-singer?”
 “That particular commissioner always got anything he wanted.  Someone like that would willingly clean the Governor’s shoes, he’d in fact gladly do it. ”
“I imagine that it is the same in the corporate world. Some company executives behave like houseboys.”  
“It is a Nigerian thing, then. I am sure if General Dambazau had asked that guy not to shine his shoes in public, he would have been very upset. He would think he has fallen out of favour. He was happy serving the boss, the same way policemen are happy to carry bags for other people’s wives.’
“It’s human nature. It’s this whole thing about the survival of the fittest.”
“Like surviving Lassa fever?”
“My brother! That’s frightening. I understand up to about 63 people have died already in 17 states, and that more may die.”
“The Minister of Health, Professor Isaac Adewole says the Nigerian Government will write the obituary of Lassa fever by April.”
“I hope so. If it is possible to do it before April, that will help, because the way Lassa fever is writing the obituary of so many people, it may turn out to be worse than Ebola virus.”
“I think the Minister and his team, and the various state governments are doing a good job of alerting the public to the dangers of Lassa fever. Even government agencies like the NYSC have deployed public enlightenment teams to market places.”
“One man ran away from a hospital while being treated for Lassa fever. May be government should begin to quarantine people. These days, when I see anybody looking sick, even if it is ordinary fever, I start by imagining the worst and I keep my distance.”
“I hear some people eat house rats.”
“What?”
“Then, public enlightenment should become even more vigorous. Eat rat? How can anybody eat Okon Calabar?”
“Who is that?”
“Okon Calabar. That’s what we called rats when I was in school. You know some of these big rats that don’t run away from human beings. When they see you, they actually act like they want to jump on you. I believe those are the real multi mammate rats.”
“I have asked somebody to help me buy two cats.”
“You have rats in your house? What kind of house is that? Where do you live?”
“I live in Babana Island.”
“Babana Island.  Not Banana Island? Oh, Babana. That island that is around Abule Egba, close to one refuse dump”
“You no well.”
“When your house is dirty, and nothing is well kept, you’d breed rats, of course.”
“I don’t live in dirty surroundings. I am just taking precautions. And take my advice, also try and buy cats. Let’s kill all the rats in Nigeria.”
“I like that. Let’s kill the rats and save lives. But you don’t need cats, get a fumigator to drive all dangerous things away from your house: rats, cockroaches, mosquitoes.”
“The cost of fumigation has gone up. I hear fumigators are making serious gains now.”
“Very soon, the cost of cats will also rise. “
“Cats?”
“Yes. Don’t you know that everything is business in this country?”
“There are too many human rats out there ready to take advantage.”
“What do you mean human rats?”
“You don’t know some human beings are like rats, causing fever?
“You are speaking in tongues.  Okay, name one human rat that you know.”
“I am looking at one right now.”
“Me?”
“Yes”
“No. I am not. You should be talking to those militants in the Niger Delta who are again sabotaging the country by blowing up oil installations, and giving the Federal Government conditions.”
“The Port Harcourt, Warri, and Kaduna refineries have been shut down due to pipeline vandalism. At this rate, we ‘d soon buy fuel at N200 per litre.”
“God knows we can’t afford another round of Niger Delta militancy. We have Boko Haram. We have the Biafra “secessionists.”  And now Niger Delta militants are back to the creeks and trying to reverse the gains of the amnesty programme. In the end, we will all suffer for it.”
“Don’ t worry, those boys will be dealt with.”
“At what cost? It is better to nip the crisis in the bud.”
“How? By begging the militants? The Federal Government has made it clear that it will not succumb to blackmail.”
“Who is talking about blackmail?”
“Wahala today. Wahala tomorrow. This Nigeria sef.”
“Yes oh.  They are even saying we will now pay stamp duty on all monies paid into our bank accounts once the amount is over N1, 000.  When you add that to other bank charges, how much is left?”
“My friend, it is just N50.”
“It is not just N50. Why must I dash government money? Is government now begging for alms? Is it that bad? If I want to give anybody alms, it should be my decision.”
“There is a law called Stamp Duties Act. They want to enforce the law.”
“So, a bank is now a branch of the Post Office? If anybody posts money into my account, government will force me to buy stamp? And yet we want a cashless society? Very soon, people will stop doing electronic transfers.”
“Don’t be stingy. Be a good citizen.”
“N50 on every transaction. For people who run active accounts, that could amount to very heavy tax by the end of a month. You know what? I think they should just re-name the banks and call them post offices, since they are now selling stamps.”    
“As in?”
“As in Zenith Post Office”
“Diamond Post Office”
“Union Post Office”.
“Na wa oh.

103 comments:

ify said...

Hmmm

Y.F.C. Omrex said...

Observed, the writertive, with all humility and honesty I have feelings for Linda Ikeji and would sincerely wish to meet her in person this year as part of my resolution.

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Anonymous said...

na wa ooo.. dis one don turn news again



meenah_wakil on instagram

Anonymous said...

na wa ooo.. dis one don turn news again



meenah_wakil on instagram

Babylawyer. said...

Public attention seeker. Pls step aside.


@Lindaikeji No. I FAN

tosisochukwu said...

This abati ruben should stop writing all this ok


























































































!brightosman aka fake phyno .#gerarahere

Damolia De Best said...

Trust me am nt ready to read this long epistle This early Moring !!! I jst wake up nw biko leme pray to My God !!!













*deW*

Bonita Bislam said...

The same way you were a robot during the last administration ba?
Anyway I like your post GEJ write ups.They speak volume of your untapped brilliance suffocated by sentiment those days.
Kudos

temitope faizat said...

This is too long I can't read

Bae Bae said...

All this epistle just bcuz of shoe cleaning... I no fit abeg

Vivian Reginalds said...

Lol Reuben writes so well.
-D great anonymous now as Vivian Reginalds

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Anonymous said...

But where is crazy man Femi Fani Kayode? It looks like he has gone into serious hiding after he was named as one of the beneficiaries and recipient of the Nigerian "NATIONAL CAKE." LIB used to be his dumping ground where he dumps all his mindless banter that he's supposed to spare the general public. All that nonsense he keeps yapping. The minute he was fingered, he ran into hiding. O'mase o... Lol

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Adaobilinda her sexcellency said...

Nawaooo

Olivia Ngene said...

Hmmmmmmmmm... That public shoe shining get as it be abeg.. Its not applaudable at all, no matter hw they want to twist it











#iT wiLL oNLy gET beTTer
#iT mUsT eNd iN prAise

freeborn zinalima said...

True talk Mr abati.
Cleaning of show is part of hausa people you can't take away nigga out of American blacks.
Buhari is a shame to democracy the hatred of buhari on ibos will back fire on him dick head.
Minister indeed.

















#sad indeed

Andy sneh said...

Voltrons...

Anonymous said...

Very nice wright up. Keep it up sir..

oseyi gabriel said...

Indeed interesting post.


~FromOutOfThisWorld~

Miss Zem. said...

This our country sef. Like joke like joke, the place dey spoil.

queen valdy said...

Nice piece... Long though

danex said...

very serious issues discussed in this article. really making sense.

Brenda said...

Hahaha....making sense,another ecetra

Anonymous said...

Enter your comment...Interesting article though. It is well. Niger na we own.

benneth Enwerem said...

The thing sef taya all man ooo....
#sips Orijin#

stelledee said...

Very beautiful write up. Loved the way Abatti moved from one problem to another. From lip service to okon calabar, to militancy to zenith pos office lol.

AMIJEZ said...

Dnt mind this visionless government. I thought buhari had some good plans for this country as he contested for presidency 3 consecutive times.

Anonymous said...

"I hear some people eat house rat" loll, that got me laughinh with tears rolling down my eyes! He's a good writer no doubt, he should be a journalist, no wonder he sucked at governance!

zoranx said...

Linda can please allow me clean and shine your anywhere biko make that one become news too...http://www.zooranx.com let get connected

uche ekwulugo said...

Making real sense



AJ MAIN BOY...

oben said...

Funny

Anthony Sylvanus said...

Noted

Anonymous said...

Very informative. Well articulated. Good humour.

Anonymous said...

Very informative. Well articulated. Good humour.

Dr Honest Braide said...

First time I'm Reading Reuben Abati's write-up to the end.
Was worth the while and really well articulated.
Thanks Reuben.
Thanks Poster.
Thanks Linda.

stephen michael said...

So the sss is now reduced from protecting so calld minister to cleaning shoe? Doesn't make 1naira sense tho

Anthony Sylvanus said...

Noted

Pesin Pikin said...

Oga Reuben is at it again...plenty story

adeoluolagbegi said...

nice one

rolawe lemmy said...

Excuse me?

#GeneralFortune

Igho Prince said...

lol..very funny and interesting write up.

esther owem said...

This man and many talks don't enjoy reading his write ups

Anonymous said...

Linda you see, eventhhough this man is core PDP and has issues with PMB, he choose to look at things from outside the box without sentiment, but when linda 1st saw it, to her it was danbazau that asked the aide for shoe shining, I'm not asking you to post my message it's a message directed at you, ive been following your blog since 2011, this is the 1st time you're against almost everything about the Govt, we see it in your headlines, and write ups, may God help us all

7F098C19 said...

Guy am also a strong member of our great party. Abeg stop all this write ups. U beginning to get dry. Engr Emy

uniquequeen said...

Well....What can I say?? Welcome to Nigeria

Rotimi Ekundayo said...

hehehheheee.. This is me laughing in Spanish. This Abati guy no go wound person. Good one though.

Eyinmosan Weyinmi said...

Well quite an interesting piece, but think you lost it mid way. The entire piece is disjointed with no definite message embedded . I believe you can do better, just keep writing, I will read.

Sir Vin said...

this stamp of N50 is still not clear to me...after paying tax, bank charges, ATM charges, maintenance charge...I better start keeping my money at home. is govt policies meant to be against the masses or for the masses?
there was a country

Vitalis Nnoli said...

Very well said...

prie Yinka said...

Interesting... I love ur write-ups ogbeni Rueben Abati

Odey Patrick said...

Lol nice satire.
Noted.

clement asuquo said...

Dis guy is hilarious! Zenith post office... Eco post office.. lol

Anonymous said...

I LOVE THIS APPROACH.

Anonymous said...

Reuben abati is good, made a great analysis of 9ja's predicament

salihu newssheller said...

Nice write up!I love the funniest part about the minister that dress like Man 'O'war ha ha ha!

Odibe Blessing said...

Some truth in what he said.

FRESH said...

The only thing in this story is,"aides are to blame, they are too psychopathic". That describes you Rubber Abating under GEJ.Did you at any point tell him some home truths? Did he listen to you? If he didn't,why did you not resign? You can't come out & be forming saint.Where was your conscience? You are as tainted as your principal. Period!

Ogheneotsuko Ayadju said...

Dr Reuben Abati made a lot of sense.

KELVIN OBIECHIE said...

Hehehehehhe this last words are so funny...zenith post office.lol this man seff...












~make I go drink one bottle of beer~

FRESH said...

The only thing in this story is,"aides are to blame, they are too sycophantic". That describes you Rubber Abating under GEJ.Did you at any point tell him some home truths? Did he listen to you? If he didn't,why did you not resign? You can't come out & be forming saint.Where was your conscience? You are as tainted as your principal. Period!

SongsOfSUSSAN said...

"We don't really have a civil service, we have an eye service". Sad enough you are correct.

Nigerians need to change their mentality.

Pesin Pikin said...

How hilarious!

safiu muhammed said...

lovely piece. i wonder why he couldn't write all this during Jonathan's administration

samson adele said...

Na real wa oooo

Ikponoabasi Utuk said...

Abati be making very important points. Nice right up man. Now I see that President Jonathan was truly surrounded by many intelligent people I hope it is the same with our General sorry our President

chioma jacinta said...

Ok seen. * it's well*

daniela desmond said...

Too long...I can't read it

Jenny Duby said...

Ok na...#LindaConfirm

Amos Mohammed said...

Na real wah.i wan laugh quench for here.

golda awosika said...

Has Reuben Abati written a book? I really think he needs to.






#*karlishah*

Adesina Tosin said...

Nice one from Dr Reuben Abati

ebuka casmir Uloeme said...

Nice write up..they want to use our N50 pay youths N5000.. oloshis..

hamzat Niyi said...

So what did e achieve with the array of intelligent goons around him ???,So much for intelligent pple .

Fredrick Omasoro said...

My Lady, I can't get tired of you & Reuben Abati he is so full of fun.

Charles Okafor said...

Nawa oo












Enugu's second shoe designer

Anonymous said...

Gold digger.....stop wasting ur time linda is above ur capacity....jobless he-goat

MIMIMI said...

hmmmmmmmmmmn................dunno wat to say.....God help us

MIMIMI TALKING

Anonymous said...

I think Mr Abati needs to write a play, it will sell. I often enjoy reading his article.

Anonymous said...

Educative writeup.

Faith Yahaya said...

Nice writeup, I always look forward to reading anything from Abati.

Faith Yahaya said...

Nice one Sir, I always look forward to reading any of your write ups.

Faith Yahaya said...

Nice one Sir, I always look forward to reading any of your write ups.

Donald Ejieke said...

nice article. Nigeria will laugh last..... hmmmmmm

udeh martha said...

nice article. Nigeria will laugh last...

DAN 1 said...

NICE ONE TOO LATE

Anonymous said...

hmm this lassa fever tin no be joke ooo, all those my friends wey dia name end with RAT ( kubuRAT sukuRAT kabiRAT ) make una give way till further notice.

THELMA BLACK said...

Nice Piece

YOUNGBUHARI said...

You should read the article first. Its not for public attention. Then you step aside

Big Nyck said...

The yam plantation has been poisoned,goats are improvising.

Miss Linda,will you marry me?

Nnaife said...

Lol.. Exactly

Big Nyck said...

The yam has been poisoned,goats are improvising.

Miss Linda ikeji,will u marry me?

Big Nyck said...

The yam plantation has been poisoned,goats are improvising.

Miss Linda,will you marry me?

ATAKPEKU ANN said...

na only shoe cleaning get this kind plenty story, na wa o

ATAKPEKU ANN said...

na only shoe cleaning get this kind plenty story, na wa o

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Angel Makiz said...

nice one....angelmakiz@yahoo.com

PaulBrent said...

Abati's writings do not interest me any more. It is dry and uninspiring.

s@min@ir@ said...

Good writeup

Anonymous said...

You got it all wrong Reuben,Dambazau have always shown a trace of egomaniac,an instant rise to general without any war aclade to show for it.Watch Dambazau is another ABACHA in the making.

Anonymous said...

Great writer there... some folk won't read before condemning Reuban Abati.

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