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Monday, 4 May 2009

Would you stay with a bi-sexual husband?

If you discover that your husband of nine years and father of your three children is bisexual, what would you do.?

This lady discovered in December after nine years of marriage, that the man she thought was her husband’s best friend is actually his lover...lovers even before she married him.

Ever since she discovered, her life hasn’t been the same. For one thing their sex life doesn’t exist anymore, but she’s scared of divorce ‘cos of her children...and the society.

She’s so confused she sent me an email...

Now you have to note that her husband is loving, doesn’t treat her bad, does not flaunt his affair, is sorry she discovered, still wants to remain married to her and take care of their children...only problem is; he sleeps with men.

What would you do if you were this lady? She seriously needs your advice

But my issue is, is it possible to be with a man for nine years and not know about his alternative lifestyle? Do we women have our suspicions but decide to turn a blind eye to it until it’s too glaring we can’t pretend anymore? I'm just thinking; if I had a gay husband, how would I not know? Mehn I'll burst his gay ass within a year...I'm too much of a James Bond not to discover...lol

I'm sorry this is not a laughing matter ;)

So what’s your advice? Stay with a loving bi-sexual husband or leave him?


UnderCover07 said...

I think in this day and age it is about time that women, especially our beloved African women quit using kids and the society as an excuse to remain in a hell-hole for the rest of their lives. Its funny how the children who they try to protect end up getting hurt, and the society who they fear still judges them regardless of what decision they make.

Its a decision she has to make for herself, but if I were in her shoes, I would leave. Because if I stayed I would not be able to give my children 100% of myself...and I would be living a lie. I am a human being, women are human beings we deserve to be happy. If the man derives his happiness from having a male lover, all well and good. But I refuse to be stifled both physically, emotionally, spiritually, by the actions of another person.

It would be a rough transition, but in the end it would be worth it for my sanity and for the future of the kids.

Anonymous said...

how can she stay with a gay husband? AIDS is real, HIV is real.

Icepick Lobotomy said...

There are a few ways to look at this.

She first needs to examine herself. What are her thoughts on infidelity (which is really the primary situation here, regardless of the gender). The fact is the man does not find her enough to satisfy his needs for intimacy. Can she deal with that? If he were cheating with a woman would she find it more acceptable to just look the other way?

What's her view on homosexuality? What are the children seeing?

She could lay down an ultimatum, asking him to break the relationship off (which could just send him "underground").
She could look the other way and ask him to be careful.
She could be all modern and Zen about it and accept it.

It all depends on what she can live with.

She needs to examine herself, basically.

I'm a man, by the way, so my advice may not apply :)

Anonymous said...

I would leave him. As a christian, I know that God does not like divorce, but He allows it sometimes. I believe this is one of those time, MARITAL UNFAITHFULNESS. By continuosly sleeping with another man he is definetely breaking his marital vows. Plus, there's the issue of AIDS and the rest of them. Let's not forget that for gay people (men and women) it's usually about the erotic sex. They usually indulge in risque practices.

Please, it's time Nigerians stopped thinking about "what will people say" and deal with their issues sincerely (this is in response to the lady not wanting a divorce because of society, amongst other things).

I like your blog, Linda.

Iwalewa said...

The issue is not whether she should leave a bi-sexual husband, it is whether she should leave a cheating husband. Even if the husband is bi-sexual, it does not excuse the fact that he was sleeping with someone else while still married.

If she thinks she can forgive a cheating husband, she should just let go of the fact that the other person was a man. Staying with him might have a more negative effect on the kids actually cos their father is a cheater who obviously has no respect for their mother or their home (I assumed he brought the "best friend" around the kids also)

juiceegal said...

I would so leave his arse b4 u cn say jack robinson
Dis is nt a matter of till death do us apart,she hs to leave because its the same thing as cheating,he has disregarded his vows,the whole marriage had been a lie from the beginnin,he was never hers to strt with and he would never be hers.The man obviously married her 2 cover up his nasty secret,and 2 pretend 2 d society,and if he could hide this for 9 years, has she considered the other deadly secrets he could also be hiding??
My advice to this woman is to leave with her kids,but she could still allow him to be in her children's lives and when the children are old enough to decide what they want she could tell them the story and let them decide if they still want him in their lives

Anonymous said...

ehhh NO. I will end it there and then....I mean he's SLEEPING with guys, he can bring diseases back....cheating final is unacceptable...even if he was a horse

Mamarita said...

I don't think it is "that" easy to "catch" a so called "bi-sexual". Believe it or not people find ways of living double lives, I once met a man who had 2 live-in girlfriends and a wife in the same city and none of them suspected a thing, and when you have a secret to protect, you will do EVERYTHING in your power to keep it hidden.

For the woman, well...there are so many things to consider, I mean kids are important but then they grow up and leave the nest, does she love him? Does he love her?
If they are REALLY in love with each other, his love for her would keep him from exploring his "gay" side and would make him work on his marriage and likewise, she'll see a repentant husband and have a reason to give their marriage another chance.

Else, both parties should go their separate ways or live in the house like daddy and mummy to keep the children happy...

The Nigerian Fetish said...

Wow, she needs to do the right thing. And let him go.

He has caused an abomination and has cheated on you. She needs to divorce and expose him....

Olukayode said...

hi linda, great to be here.
what can i say to the woman? she should make sure her decision is based on what she wants and not what society or anybody thinks, because many people would cry divorce! but have worse skeletons in their cupboards, especially women with gay husbands who know but look the other way.

Anonymous said...

Linda, as much as i believe you're a james bond, i'd also want to let you know that there's really a very fine line- i mean very fine like surgical thread between being gay and straight. The most important thing's that this woman has discovered, and it's also a fact too that the guy's been good to her all along. Hence i wouldnt recommend busting his 'bi arse'. No sex, than fine in fact the better for the both of them and the fact that he's been sleeping with her and having kids doesnt make him 'bi', he could be straight gay for all i know. Now, this shouldnt be a wake up call for women all over the place, because there are more situations like this around than you care to know- if your hubby's been good, dont go around sniffing-cos who wan know too much patapata- she go kpeme o. Take this from someone who knows-probably gay too.lol But seriously, a cheating str8 hubby and a bisexual one, what's really the difference? Cheating is cheating either with a man or woman- havent you people sen desperate housewives or you think they're just acting? im out.

Anonymous said...

she should leave him becos he is cheating on her and because he can give her STDs period!!!!

Anonymous said...

Give him a hi 5!
Sorry, couldn't resist answering to the first line.....

Fis said...

This is one of your hardest scenarios yet.

To this lady:

first of all from a medical standpoint. She needs to get herself tested for STDs especially HIV. she cannot afford to be in denial for the sake of her children or her health. even if her husband was sleeping with a woman, she's still at risk of an STD. The rate of infection is relatively higher in homosexual men as they are more likely to have less stable partners. This will require bravery but God is your strength.

Second of all, I'm no marriage counsellor but I know that she must be mourning the loss of a relationship at the moment. Everything has probably been turned upside down. No matter how much good advice anyone here can give. The truth is that no one has walked a mile in her shoes and it's hard to personalise. The best advice is to seek God desperately in this moment. if you must fast, fast. if you have a very trustworthy, older, more mature Christian friend, confide in her if you feel peaceful about it.

The first thoughts of should i stay or should i jump ship are fight/flight reactions. you need time to heal first from the shock and pain. The whole spectrum of what your decisions will affect need careful consideration. Not only because of what your kids think or society but because your mental health is also involved. the area of homosexuality is not one to be conquered without prayers.

Eventually(If God has mercy on his soul) he might leave this man and decide to honour your marriage bed. whatever you do, don't blame yourself for not knowing or seeing it coming. what is in the past,should remain in the past.face your future for your sake.

whatever you do,don't repay his evil with evil. no matter how young your kids are, they are watching and will know and sometimes even remember. Seek God's face and don't be discouraged. This will definitely not be easy for you.but we all go through our trials, some worse than others but God has promised to repay us beauty for ashes. After getting to a possible point o emotional stability. Prayerfully, consider all the options in your case and make a bold step.

If you're not a Christian, I would advise you to give your life to Christ and find a good bible-believing church. God bless and I' m praying for you.

GamineGirlie said...

Lai lai

Cheating is cheating is cheating,

bisexual or "opposite"

*Dith* said...




Wow!! what an aggravating write up. Now i have more things to worry about! SMFH!!!

Anonymous said...

based on the biblical principle the act falls under infidelity/adultery/sodomy act and only on that reason can you divorce your partner.

If I were her , I will talk to my pastor and pray to here from God. If he doesn't put an end to the act am likely to walk out of the marriage not minding the years and the all the affection .

I wouldn't want to jeopardize my health


SET said...

She needs to move on, her kids will want her happy. Kids adapt if he is a good father he will continue to be. But she needs to be happy and society will be fine, what the hell are people still stressing over acceptance to society? while they know deep down inside they are making a stupid mistake. She needs to be let go and let God. The man likes men u will never be a man to him. Move on now beore it is too late, someone else will love u, pray for that.


Funny you blogged this cause i was watching the movie COVER a few days back and its exactly what you just described.

That is a very tough decision and i can see why she is reaching out to people's opinions. I would recommend to her to file for a divorce. He is not cheating on her with another woman, He is cheating on her with a man, something she can never be, at least not naturally. The problem goes beyond the physical aspect of things. The trust has been bridged so even if he promise to stops or stops entirely, she will always be suspicious and wondering. Then you also have the cases of Diseases that comes with promiscuity. Even though he might be the promiscuous one, his side lover(s) might be.
My advice; SEEK THE FACE OF GOD VIGOROUSLY and if nothing changes, then let it go. Perfect case of Killing one to save a thousand. This is very heartbreaking.
My heart goes out to her and i pray that GOD shows her the way by making this hard decision for her. Amen.

Anonymous said...

Honestly, this behaviour has been in existent longest time ago in Naija. Most of these best man in a guy's wedding, friends till we die and all that, are mainly hidden gay relationships. Some parents are aware of it and still decide that their sons should get married, infact, force them too. Yes, prayers does work too and the man in question would have to be willing for God to deliver him from homosexuality. I know some pple will object to this particular statement. That's ok. as we all see and believe in God in diff. ways, i believe. As for the lady in que. i personally don't believe that she did not see the signs. Maybe she thought marriage will change and cure him. And as for staying in the marriage, well, maybe she wants some of her children to imbibe the homosexual relationship as children act out what they see and possibly know. They are humans, innit? Wow, to get married to Naija men is so scary. As most of them are either gay or closet homosexuals and we Naija females choose to ignore or overlook the signs. Na wah oh.

God will help all of us in Jesus Name, true.

Anonymous said...

Errr..i beg to differ..If he's rich enough to take good care of me and the children,.i mean in terms of exotic vacations,shopping spree,lovely cars etc.........AND i am allowed to sleep with any man i want,.then why not!?......and if he wants sleep with me it must always be with condom...at least give something back for the money he's spending.....lol

Anonymous said...

linda many black men noe are downlow bros. they are gay but marry women because of societal wahala. i have seen it first hand and trust me they r really careful so linda u might not be able to burst their ass lol.

aosgrl said...

Why is it that homosexuality or bisexuality is automatically associated with disease?

Such groups might have higher occurences of STD's but it does not mean that everyone who is bisexual or homosexual is promiscuous or careless.

To me love between a specific man and a specific women is not formulaic or something that you can force into a pre-defined box. Just because you do this and this and that doesn't mean your relationship will work.

There are people who because they do love their spouse and enjoy the companionship they share in their relationship are willing to make room the extra needs of their partners. They have specific needs that that they fulfill for each other. What is most important is that all lines of communication are open, both parties are aware of the the terms of the relationship and the realities on ground. This way both parties can say they made informed decisions to be together or go their seperate ways

This husband failed to do that and that was unfair to the wife. From what I've read so far, she could never be happy in such a relationship. Which would in one way or the other impact the development of the children they have together. If he is truly a loving husband, talk it out and work out an amicable divorce with set plans for the care of their children up until they are adults.

Anonymous said...

It is easier said than done. First of all, it's so important for women to be financially stable especially in Nigeria, because one of their fears is what are they going to do without him or how can they support their children, if they leave their husband. That is the reason many men do what they do because in their heart they know the woman is so dependent on him, and she would not leave him, and he continues to cheat on her either with women or men.

Women no more excuses like staying in there for the kids or I want them to have their father around. It is time for women to start standing their ground, and let their husbands know that they are so much more than popping out babies, cooking or cleaning the house, in a cool way. I believe if women start doing that, some of these men will wake up and do the right thing.

It is hard to know now who is up to something everywhere, it's even harder in Nigeria, because of the way the society is. It's too many things going on out there, basically I just can't trust anybody, which makes me sometimes scared to be in a relationship, and marriage.

I will say she should get a divorce, but I also think of how the Nigerian society is very chavinistic towards men. If she is financially independent, she should leave with her children, for the sanity of her children and herself.

Whatever decision she makes, the children will still be hurt, but one is better than the other.

If the man was to repent and turn away from cheating, and he's sober, then she can give him another chance, but it looks like that's not what is going on here.

Anonymous said...

This situation is a fact of life in a society where people are afraid to face up to who they are. There are many women with a "best friend" as well. Many Nigerian so-called "bisexuals" are really homosexuals who cannot come to terms with their same sex attraction.If your relationship with your "best friend" is stronger than your relationship with your wife, you are gay, case closed.

Anonymous said...

mnnn...truth be told, i have had the opportunity of working around lots of gay and bisexual men, even Linda wont say she does not know some of them or even has them as friends...we have more gay men than straight men this days especially in Nigeria, i have seen them on our campuses and even in the industry where i worked, how many of our celebs, from music to movies are closet gays? so many, if i wont be over rating, i would have said about 90 percent of them are gays. i know a friend who makes a living by supplying young university boys to state governors and government functionaries as bed mates,so what is the hulla balu all about? much as i have my own reservation about it, well i think that at the end of the day, its still the woman's decision that counts,
SO, WOMAN, i think you should let God guide you on this and not all the convenience that are convenient for people

Anonymous said...

Linda, this is really sad and unfortunate, but quickly let me correct your opinion about women turning a blind eye. Please note that nobody turns a blind eye to evil or bad things. Equally nobody goes into a relationship watching every move of their spouse (ala JamesBond). Of course people suspect "things" but the sad thing is that when the culprit is confronted with the suspicion they flatly deny it. Some people even use ridiculous denial tactics e.g turn the whole thing to fight. I My simple advice is this, it is bad enough to know that your spouse or even GirlFriend/Boyfriend has cheated on you with the opposite sex, but with the same sex it is even worse... with disease and all. The simple advice here is that nobody in the world should have their cake and eat it. If he is willing to sacrifice this evil life then maybe but if not then she should simply move away as far as she can - one all financial and visiting arrangements have been done. Then he has made his choice.

AnyaPosh said...

hmm...this is sad. I would leave him. I cannot share my husband with anyone else...man or woman. I would leave because of all the years of lying & cheating & non-disclosure of such vital info. Like how could you forget to tell me you like MEN??! huh..don't be an accomodating pony. leave the guy!

Anonymous said...

I actually took my time to read all the comments.
well just a few people spoke with awareness. The rest are just ignorant.
I wonder why the women are pretending its only guys involved in this.
going by my experience i would say that there are more women who are lesbians than guys who are gay or bisexual.
society has come to accept the 'tenderness' women exhibit openly as normal and so much more goes on underneath!
okay im bisexual but this is not to defend any one and i cant answer for gay guys.
Being bisexual and being gay is DIFFERENT!
I AM GOING TO GET MARRIED BECAUSE I ALSO LOVE WOMEN! not because the society demands it etc etc
I have ALWAYS liked both sexes, even as a kid.( I only deal with the fine ones, sha. After all im a fine boy! Cute as they all say!(lol)
Therefore i can say that this woman's husband most likely loves her and probably doesnt sleep with any other guy aside from the best friend. And if they are sensible would be using protection!
The truth is thatt the average bisexual guy will by the time of marriage either stop ( very few) or stick to one guy. ( this is what every one of my bisexual friends are hoping to do)
and the truth is most women never know for sure.
It would shock many of the women screaming divorce on this site that their darling fathers,uncles and brothers have at one time or the other been( or still are) involved with other men!
I can just imagine some being related to a couple of my friends! (lol)
For those who are looking for signs well....limp hands may be a pointer but for your information many a macho actually have same sex inclinations.
Some one made a good comment about a thin line... well its true. Not every one explores this side of them.
I cant count the number of my supposedly straight friends, family friends, married and single, guys on the street with girlfriends, even those who openly condemn homosexuality, who have given me more than just a passing glance....

Anonymous said...

@anon may 8 7:31

AM astonished.. u were coming along nicely until u said u were bi. am not about to judge anyone based on their sexuality but am a lil homophobic and until the recent openness about i, i thot it was non existent in nigeria.

having said that, what u said is actually true cos here truly is a thin line btwn being straight and going to the other side of the fence, permanently staying there or coming back every once in a while to sanity.

well as there are gays so are there lesbians but i think the number of bi women is more than bi men. what i think is for u to want to be homo,u realli are into it and women as we are affectionate by nature, makes it easy for us to try out other women but last last, we prefer a schlong.. maybe thats why there are gays.. everyone loves a schlong! lol

this woman i think shud make her decision herself, she onli knows what she can stand and what she cant, if homosexuality is amongst the latter, then by all means, she shud go pitch her tent somewhere else!

Anonymous said...

Personally , i will not as i cannot abide with a man , who can kiss another man and feel sexually attracted to another man in anyway!!!

God forbid!He has to leave or betterstill i'll leave , before he starts teaching myson that kind of life!!!!!!!!!!

Nigerians will copy anything western ....although sometimes i look at these gay men and think they are actually bron that way????

Anonymous said...

I will leave him. No matter is he straight or gay. And I didn't sign up for cheating relationship. Good doesn't like divorces, but it is acceptable, unless you are divorcing to remaried another man.

Anonymous said...

This is an older thread, but I found out my husband of 40 years is bisexual, cheated on me, and I am she'll shocked.
Kids,grand kids, beautiful life.and I am numb with grief.
What to do?

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